Letter to Tyler

Tyler,
I have toyed with the idea of writing you a letter/email for a while now, but it’s been too painful. I think I am finally to a place where I can now. I just have a few points that I want to make sure are known to you.
First, you were one of the best things to happen to me. I realize that the circumstances under which we became close are very strange but I consider myself incredibly lucky to have met you. You took on a lot more than you should have during that relationship, and I think it might have made you grow up a bit faster than you were hoping for. I leaned on you when dealing with the Blake stuff, and I’m sure that was difficult.
Second, I’m so sorry for trying to make you something that you weren’t. Reflecting on it, I’ll take responsibility for it but I will attribute it a bit towards being in a relationship with Blake since the age of 18. We had grown together and had weird expectations that are common of teenagers. I’m deeply regretful of trying to make you do sexual things with us when you weren’t wanting to. Additionally, the lack of time spent with your friends I think is indicative of my emotional dependence and so I apologize for throwing that upon you.
Third, I’m still deeply in love with you. Your goofiness and easy going nature. I definitely miss you “catting.” With that being said I’m finally getting to a place where I can start getting to know other guys without feeling guilty. I don’t think I will ever stop loving you, but I am and will continue to learn to adjust to a life without you.
Lastly, I am so incredibly proud of you. I’m a bit jealous, if we are being honest, of your willingness to plunge head first into your dreams. Moving across the country at such a young age, away from family and your support system, must have been incredibly difficult and yet you are thriving (or so it looks like from your Insta posts). I’ve toyed with the idea of moving to Chicago or Denver, but I think that just comes from a discontent I have with my life and the way things have played out. I’ll be better with time, I’m sure.
I don’t think I can manage being friends with you because of my feelings for you, but I just needed to get these things out. I realize now that we are in completely different places, and that you will inevitably change from age 22 to 28. Our life goals are quite different, but I respect yours entirely and the courage you have taken to pursue them.
I wish you the best of luck in Seattle! Know that the man you end up with is an incredibly lucky guy.
Love always,
Jim

April 25, 2017

Well, I’ve been sick for forever. I’m over this cough.

I have cut back on all my spending because I am broke af. I got rid of my parking, my retirement, and I’m going to just eat Ramen for the rest of my life. lol

I think I’m in a good place with Blake and Tyler. Look at previous posts and you know I’ve said that before. I think that is part of moving on, though. Ebbs and flows.

I’m trying to be better at my job. More engaged. Asking if folks need help.

 

April 17, 2017

I woke up to a text from Isaac saying: Read this with a link to imgur. I knew Isaac was extra and bitter with me for being with other guys, but I had no idea that it came to this level. 18013018_10209389970527187_1372399407_o.png

I appreciate his honesty, I guess. Maybe I am a black hole. I thought I was getting better. I suppose not. Isaac was a friend, not a super close friend but I had brought him into my circle. I tend to do that, and maybe I view myself positively for doing that, for taking lost dogs and giving them a home.

I’m really trying to hash out whether or not I am this black hole that he claims, or if he is just a bit bitter. I think the truth lies somewhere in between.

April 10, 2017

Things are 100% slowing down, which is super exciting! I have more time to relax, job search, look at houses, whatever it is I am doing with my life. With that being said, I’m reading an article on how to identify what it is you want from life since I struggle with it so much. It suggests you write a personal manifesto.

Topics that I care about:

Man in my life
With any man in my life, I will not compromise my belief systems. I will not bend or break on my beliefs that we, as a people, can be better and should support one another; that no one person is entitled to more than their neighbor. I will find a man that shares my values, that will challenge me to step out of my comfort zone, and will demonstrate their love daily.

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

Family
As I continue to grow and navigate life, I will maintain my love and connection with my family. I will not let a job, depression or a man come between me and my family. I will remind myself constantly of the good that my family has done for me, and the debt that is owed to them.

“Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don’t wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it’s at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored.” – Earl Nightingale

Work
I will remember that work is just a means to survive. I will remember my self-worth and not let corporate greed distract me from this. I will appreciate the good things about each position and weigh that against the more difficult aspects of the job. I will not work most weekends or holidays. I will work in a position that is personally gratifying that allows me to feel like I am making a difference.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.” Steve Jobs

April 8, 2017

I was going to write a letter to Tyler, and one to Blake. Not to send, but just to get all my feelings out. With that being said, I think I’m actually okay not doing that. I am trying to focus more so on the fact that I was actually just positively remembering something because I was unhappy in the present. I’m trying to be more content.

There will always be ways in which life could be better. ALWAYS. I’m in a great place compared to where I was as a child. I’m not in as great of place as some of my friends. I have to keep that in mind as I continue moving forward.

I think being a stoner would behoove me. I’ve noticed I am much happier W-F because I think it takes me that long to recover when I drink on the weekends. I don’t know how to even go about finding a dealer. Or like, what equipment I should get. I just wish it was legal so I could go buy the mints or whatever.

April 6, 2017

I had an epiphany at work yesterday. I treat my current office like a family and friends hanging out that are all incredibly passionate about the work that we are doing. For this reason, I get upset when I feel like there isn’t fair treatment across the board. Ideally, there would be consistency but sometimes that doesn’t happen in a business. Especially one as a broken as the university.

So, reflecting on that, I’m going to stop questioning authority like I do with folks I feel comfortable with. I will take tasks as assigned, and will dial back my involvement and talk within the office. Maybe my mistake was treating folks like family when they aren’t. Nobody truly has your best interests at heart other than you. So I will make sure that my frustrations go to my friends and not my coworkers. That my quest for consistency stops. Sure, it sucks but that’s the way life is.

I’m going to get a coffee, but I hope today will be awesome.

 

April 3, 2017

Yesterday was Brooklyn’s birthday. I didn’t call them, though. I have been in a funk. A serious funk.

I’m not content with my life. My job isn’t what I thought it would be, mainly because my supervisor blows. Being single continues to suck.

I’ve been watching 13 Reasons Why. Intense.

March 30, 2017

Things that I have to come to understand in my short twenty seven years here on Earth:

Life sometimes deals you an unfair hand, that doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed anything.

I’ve learned this from growing up in a fairly low-income household. I learned first hand that even though you’re an innocent kid, that doesn’t stop life from throwing a shit storm at you. Is it fair for children to grow up in a house without heat or electricity from time to time? Yes, I’m aware of the privilege that also comes with that statement. Just because you have to go to bed with extra blankets and get creative warming up water for a shower doesn’t mean that life owes you anything. Does being cheated on by your boyfriend of nine years guarantee that you will find love and happiness with a new man? Not necessarily.

You are not entitled to anything simply because life be depressing. With that being said, we should recognize that some are less fortunate than others. I’m not saying that an individual’s life sucks 365 days out of the year, but sometimes we go through incredibly rough patches in our lives. Perhaps we lose someone that meant a lot to us, or we lost a job. Maybe someone that meant a lot to us treats us like shit, maybe the job we have is fucking us over. There are infinite possibilities around why someone can be having a shitty day, week, month. We are not entitled to anything, but let’s recognize that. Let’s own the shit that they are going through, and be supportive in whatever that looks like for them.

You should do what is best for you at all points in your life.

Recognize though that you may be considered an ass, dick, bitch, whatever derogatory word of your liking, at times. If there is one constant in life it is change. Things end, and that’s not necessarily a terrible thing but it can be at the moment it is happening. Whether that thing be a life, a relationship, a job. Knowing that these things happen, you should be vigilant in pursuing what is in your best interests throughout your life.

It is so easy to get comfortable in a relationship and expect that to be it. Some imagine celebrating the sixty year relationship that some couples are fortunate, perhaps not, enough to have. Well while blissfully, maybe ignorantly, getting on with the relationship it is easy to overlook opportunities that present themselves. Relationships certainly require sacrifice, and if that is your prerogative then I think you can consider that what is best for you at that point in your life. I do ask you to think pessimistically for a second, though. If the relationship ended in a year or two, would you still be comfortable with the decision that you made for your relationship? If you can stand by it, so be it but I believe that often we make the easier choice out of comfort and that can lead to regret down the road.

Relationships require a lot of work, and without proper maintenance they can wilt when folks move away.

Living in a college town there are constant goodbyes. Goodbyes to students, to colleagues that leave for better positions, to friends that move across the country for love or family. I can’t say that I make maintaining friendships as seriously as I should, but I think that the reasoning has to do with prioritizing what is best for me. Having a solid support system whose shoulder I can cry on, or go out and be social with is incredibly important to me. That is not to say my friends that have moved away are not a solid support system, I just fail at maintaining them. It takes time and dedication, and I value what time I have to either spend with folks in person or to be alone and re-energize my introverted soul.

I have had best friends move across the country, like folks that I would talk to all day everyday. As time passed we started talking less and less. They get busy, you get busy. Families pop up. It is part of life. That’s not to say that you cannot properly maintain a long distance friendship, shit people are in relationships on opposite coasts. It just takes a solid amount of work, and you need to ask yourself whether or not that is something you want to prioritize.

March 25, 2017

I had to go to a conference for work. It wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t great.

I’m not content. I feel as though there has been a shift in my viewing of life around me. I’ve suddenly realized that the majority of my friends are much younger than me. This didn’t bother me before, but I think I need to mature and perhaps pursue friendships with existing friends that are closer in my age group.

I feel like I have nothing at times. I live in an apartment with a twenty three year old. I am single as fuck. I work in an office that I worked in as an undergrad. I’m going to be 28 in June. That’s okay. I’ll get where I’m going.

I had an interview with CU Boulder, which would be exciting. I have an interview with Chicago on Tuesday. I need to find the energy to continue to apply for positions.

It honestly doesn’t matter the trials and tribulations we face, sure they suck or whatever but when we go they go with us. You don’t need to measure up to anyone to feel successful because people won’t remember your success, unless you’re like SUPER successful, but rather how you made them feel. And even then, it’s only for a little bit. You know how often I think about my grandparents? Blake’s dad? So few.

In that sense, I think I truly need to check myself about Tyler. If I spent half the time I spend on thinking about him by being a good friend, a good son, a good brother I could positively impact those that live around me instead of living in self pity.

I want to be a dad.