April 28, 2017

I think everything is going pretty well lately.

I found out some bad news about my sister and the brother that I loathe this morning, though. My sister just keeps making terrible decisions. She’s a recovering addict and yet she continues to put herself into situations, mainly at the encouragement of the idiot of a brother I share a father with. I just can’t. Everyone is so terrible.


Hanging out with Anna, Jimmy, and William this evening. I am not sure what we will end up doing, though.


Letter to Tyler

I have toyed with the idea of writing you a letter/email for a while now, but it’s been too painful. I think I am finally to a place where I can now. I just have a few points that I want to make sure are known to you.
First, you were one of the best things to happen to me. I realize that the circumstances under which we became close are very strange but I consider myself incredibly lucky to have met you. You took on a lot more than you should have during that relationship, and I think it might have made you grow up a bit faster than you were hoping for. I leaned on you when dealing with the Blake stuff, and I’m sure that was difficult.
Second, I’m so sorry for trying to make you something that you weren’t. Reflecting on it, I’ll take responsibility for it but I will attribute it a bit towards being in a relationship with Blake since the age of 18. We had grown together and had weird expectations that are common of teenagers. I’m deeply regretful of trying to make you do sexual things with us when you weren’t wanting to. Additionally, the lack of time spent with your friends I think is indicative of my emotional dependence and so I apologize for throwing that upon you.
Third, I’m still deeply in love with you. Your goofiness and easy going nature. I definitely miss you “catting.” With that being said I’m finally getting to a place where I can start getting to know other guys without feeling guilty. I don’t think I will ever stop loving you, but I am and will continue to learn to adjust to a life without you.
Lastly, I am so incredibly proud of you. I’m a bit jealous, if we are being honest, of your willingness to plunge head first into your dreams. Moving across the country at such a young age, away from family and your support system, must have been incredibly difficult and yet you are thriving (or so it looks like from your Insta posts). I’ve toyed with the idea of moving to Chicago or Denver, but I think that just comes from a discontent I have with my life and the way things have played out. I’ll be better with time, I’m sure.
I don’t think I can manage being friends with you because of my feelings for you, but I just needed to get these things out. I realize now that we are in completely different places, and that you will inevitably change from age 22 to 28. Our life goals are quite different, but I respect yours entirely and the courage you have taken to pursue them.
I wish you the best of luck in Seattle! Know that the man you end up with is an incredibly lucky guy.
Love always,

April 25, 2017

Well, I’ve been sick for forever. I’m over this cough.

I have cut back on all my spending because I am broke af. I got rid of my parking, my retirement, and I’m going to just eat Ramen for the rest of my life. lol

I think I’m in a good place with Blake and Tyler. Look at previous posts and you know I’ve said that before. I think that is part of moving on, though. Ebbs and flows.

I’m trying to be better at my job. More engaged. Asking if folks need help.


April 17, 2017

I woke up to a text from Isaac saying: Read this with a link to imgur. I knew Isaac was extra and bitter with me for being with other guys, but I had no idea that it came to this level. 18013018_10209389970527187_1372399407_o.png

I appreciate his honesty, I guess. Maybe I am a black hole. I thought I was getting better. I suppose not. Isaac was a friend, not a super close friend but I had brought him into my circle. I tend to do that, and maybe I view myself positively for doing that, for taking lost dogs and giving them a home.

I’m really trying to hash out whether or not I am this black hole that he claims, or if he is just a bit bitter. I think the truth lies somewhere in between.

April 10, 2017

Things are 100% slowing down, which is super exciting! I have more time to relax, job search, look at houses, whatever it is I am doing with my life. With that being said, I’m reading an article on how to identify what it is you want from life since I struggle with it so much. It suggests you write a personal manifesto.

Topics that I care about:

Man in my life
With any man in my life, I will not compromise my belief systems. I will not bend or break on my beliefs that we, as a people, can be better and should support one another; that no one person is entitled to more than their neighbor. I will find a man that shares my values, that will challenge me to step out of my comfort zone, and will demonstrate their love daily.

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

As I continue to grow and navigate life, I will maintain my love and connection with my family. I will not let a job, depression or a man come between me and my family. I will remind myself constantly of the good that my family has done for me, and the debt that is owed to them.

“Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don’t wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it’s at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored.” – Earl Nightingale

I will remember that work is just a means to survive. I will remember my self-worth and not let corporate greed distract me from this. I will appreciate the good things about each position and weigh that against the more difficult aspects of the job. I will not work most weekends or holidays. I will work in a position that is personally gratifying that allows me to feel like I am making a difference.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.” Steve Jobs

April 8, 2017

I was going to write a letter to Tyler, and one to Blake. Not to send, but just to get all my feelings out. With that being said, I think I’m actually okay not doing that. I am trying to focus more so on the fact that I was actually just positively remembering something because I was unhappy in the present. I’m trying to be more content.

There will always be ways in which life could be better. ALWAYS. I’m in a great place compared to where I was as a child. I’m not in as great of place as some of my friends. I have to keep that in mind as I continue moving forward.

I think being a stoner would behoove me. I’ve noticed I am much happier W-F because I think it takes me that long to recover when I drink on the weekends. I don’t know how to even go about finding a dealer. Or like, what equipment I should get. I just wish it was legal so I could go buy the mints or whatever.

April 6, 2017

I had an epiphany at work yesterday. I treat my current office like a family and friends hanging out that are all incredibly passionate about the work that we are doing. For this reason, I get upset when I feel like there isn’t fair treatment across the board. Ideally, there would be consistency but sometimes that doesn’t happen in a business. Especially one as a broken as the university.

So, reflecting on that, I’m going to stop questioning authority like I do with folks I feel comfortable with. I will take tasks as assigned, and will dial back my involvement and talk within the office. Maybe my mistake was treating folks like family when they aren’t. Nobody truly has your best interests at heart other than you. So I will make sure that my frustrations go to my friends and not my coworkers. That my quest for consistency stops. Sure, it sucks but that’s the way life is.

I’m going to get a coffee, but I hope today will be awesome.


April 3, 2017

Yesterday was Brooklyn’s birthday. I didn’t call them, though. I have been in a funk. A serious funk.

I’m not content with my life. My job isn’t what I thought it would be, mainly because my supervisor blows. Being single continues to suck.

I’ve been watching 13 Reasons Why. Intense.