March 30, 2017

Things that I have to come to understand in my short twenty seven years here on Earth:

Life sometimes deals you an unfair hand, that doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed anything.

I’ve learned this from growing up in a fairly low-income household. I learned first hand that even though you’re an innocent kid, that doesn’t stop life from throwing a shit storm at you. Is it fair for children to grow up in a house without heat or electricity from time to time? Yes, I’m aware of the privilege that also comes with that statement. Just because you have to go to bed with extra blankets and get creative warming up water for a shower doesn’t mean that life owes you anything. Does being cheated on by your boyfriend of nine years guarantee that you will find love and happiness with a new man? Not necessarily.

You are not entitled to anything simply because life be depressing. With that being said, we should recognize that some are less fortunate than others. I’m not saying that an individual’s life sucks 365 days out of the year, but sometimes we go through incredibly rough patches in our lives. Perhaps we lose someone that meant a lot to us, or we lost a job. Maybe someone that meant a lot to us treats us like shit, maybe the job we have is fucking us over. There are infinite possibilities around why someone can be having a shitty day, week, month. We are not entitled to anything, but let’s recognize that. Let’s own the shit that they are going through, and be supportive in whatever that looks like for them.

You should do what is best for you at all points in your life.

Recognize though that you may be considered an ass, dick, bitch, whatever derogatory word of your liking, at times. If there is one constant in life it is change. Things end, and that’s not necessarily a terrible thing but it can be at the moment it is happening. Whether that thing be a life, a relationship, a job. Knowing that these things happen, you should be vigilant in pursuing what is in your best interests throughout your life.

It is so easy to get comfortable in a relationship and expect that to be it. Some imagine celebrating the sixty year relationship that some couples are fortunate, perhaps not, enough to have. Well while blissfully, maybe ignorantly, getting on with the relationship it is easy to overlook opportunities that present themselves. Relationships certainly require sacrifice, and if that is your prerogative then I think you can consider that what is best for you at that point in your life. I do ask you to think pessimistically for a second, though. If the relationship ended in a year or two, would you still be comfortable with the decision that you made for your relationship? If you can stand by it, so be it but I believe that often we make the easier choice out of comfort and that can lead to regret down the road.

Relationships require a lot of work, and without proper maintenance they can wilt when folks move away.

Living in a college town there are constant goodbyes. Goodbyes to students, to colleagues that leave for better positions, to friends that move across the country for love or family. I can’t say that I make maintaining friendships as seriously as I should, but I think that the reasoning has to do with prioritizing what is best for me. Having a solid support system whose shoulder I can cry on, or go out and be social with is incredibly important to me. That is not to say my friends that have moved away are not a solid support system, I just fail at maintaining them. It takes time and dedication, and I value what time I have to either spend with folks in person or to be alone and re-energize my introverted soul.

I have had best friends move across the country, like folks that I would talk to all day everyday. As time passed we started talking less and less. They get busy, you get busy. Families pop up. It is part of life. That’s not to say that you cannot properly maintain a long distance friendship, shit people are in relationships on opposite coasts. It just takes a solid amount of work, and you need to ask yourself whether or not that is something you want to prioritize.

March 25, 2017

I had to go to a conference for work. It wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t great.

I’m not content. I feel as though there has been a shift in my viewing of life around me. I’ve suddenly realized that the majority of my friends are much younger than me. This didn’t bother me before, but I think I need to mature and perhaps pursue friendships with existing friends that are closer in my age group.

I feel like I have nothing at times. I live in an apartment with a twenty three year old. I am single as fuck. I work in an office that I worked in as an undergrad. I’m going to be 28 in June. That’s okay. I’ll get where I’m going.

I had an interview with CU Boulder, which would be exciting. I have an interview with Chicago on Tuesday. I need to find the energy to continue to apply for positions.

It honestly doesn’t matter the trials and tribulations we face, sure they suck or whatever but when we go they go with us. You don’t need to measure up to anyone to feel successful because people won’t remember your success, unless you’re like SUPER successful, but rather how you made them feel. And even then, it’s only for a little bit. You know how often I think about my grandparents? Blake’s dad? So few.

In that sense, I think I truly need to check myself about Tyler. If I spent half the time I spend on thinking about him by being a good friend, a good son, a good brother I could positively impact those that live around me instead of living in self pity.

I want to be a dad.

March 17, 2017

I’m not sure where I’m at in life. What I’m doing with my life. What my passion in life is. There’s something to be said for allowing life to lead you down a path, and it is something else to be completely passive. I have not been assertive in my life. When things got difficult, I gave up. Maybe I gave up because I wasn’t passionate about those things, or didn’t really care. But maybe that’s the whole thing, I don’t care about a whole lot.

I’m not naive enough to think that moving somewhere will fix everything. You can’t truly be happy until you are content with where you are in life. It just gets difficult at times because it seems like everyone else has everything together. I guarantee, though, that someone else thinks the same thing about you.It’s difficult with our lenses, there are so many blind spots.

Folks say don’t waste your youth, and that’s what I feel like I’m doing. But what is wasting time exactly? Maybe I just overthink everything.

I was supposed to go on a date with Sam today, but it seems like he came to A2 yesterday and didn’t even try to see me. Guys are literally the worst.

Resolve: become a hermit that lives in a warm place.

 

March 11, 2017

Happy birthday, Blake.

I’m at work currently. I think I will probably skip out a little bit early. Hopefully around 10 a.m.

I’m going to do a mindfulness practice right now.

What memory brings me joy?

Immediately a number of things cross my mind: the trip to Niagra falls, the trip to West Virginia, Stanford. I think I will focus on one hat revolves solely around me.

I went home one weekend and went to Ionia with my family. We decided to go to the animal shelter because I really wanted a kitten. I was checking out a few of the white kittens, but then I saw this older cat – just one year old. I asked if I could hold her, and she sat so nicely in my arms. She purred and was just happy to receive some attention. I went to Walmart with my family to pick up some materials and to make sure my roommate was okay with me getting a cat. After picking up cat stuff, I went back and decided to adopt Precious. Clearly that wasn’t going to be her name, but that’s what her original name was.

Bringing Phoebe home was kind of hilarious. She was terrified. When we took her to my parents house on Detroit Street she just hid behind the couch. Eventually I took her back with me to Ann Arbor. For the first month or so she stayed under the sink in the bathroom because she was so terrified. Eventually she became comfortable with me and came out. Now she’s been in my life for almost seven years, and cuddles me when I need cuddles. I’m incredibly fortunate to have her in my life.

March 7, 2017

I made the impulsive decision to go to Florida last Monday. I went with Jake, his boyfriend Chris, and their roommate John. David came down later, as well as their friend Mark. It was a pretty good time.

We drove down with Jake, John, Chris, and Stark. It was pretty cramped, but not too bad honestly. We did not stop once the entire night. We made it to Florida at, like, 8:30 a.m. and then we went to IHop to have breakfast with David who flew in. We went back, slept for like an hour, and then went to the beach. It was really fun.

We ended up going out Saturday night, but the bars were super lame. I ended up kissing John and what not. He’s pretty cute but a total stoner. Not that there is anything wrong with that, just funny to think about how high school Jim would have reacted.

Sunday I went to brunch with Chris and John. We went to this really good restaurant called the Red Mesa Cantina or something along those lines. The mimosas and food were really good, and it was really pretty. We hung out in downtown St. Pete for a bit after that and then we went back to get ready for the beach. The beach was fun just like the day before. After that we went grocery shopping, and I ended up getting stuff with David to make fajitas. It wasn’t really an option and I didn’t necessarily want to do it, but oh well. We ended up going out again, but it was again pretty boring.

Monday we got ready and went to kayak, but the winds were going to make it a bit more difficult and Christopher didn’t want to. So we ended up going to the mall instead, which was fine. Afterwards I flew back on Spirit.

Today wasn’t too bad, honestly. I figured out a way to basically make it so I don’t have to use a vacation day because of the events I’m going to this weekend. I did have some bad news, which was annoying. Tynishia casually brought up that they were doing Skype interviews with candidates for the CCI position. It kind of broke my heart and spirit, but I have to just keep believing that what is meant to be will be. I like my job, I just would like to get paid more is all.

March 2, 2017

I went to see a counselor today. Overall, I really like her. We touched on few different topics, and I didn’t cry until we talked about Tyler.

I worked 17 hours on Tuesday. Isn’t that ridiculous?

I’m going to Florida tomorrow. Flying back Monday. Maybe I’ll get some cuddles.