This weekend was a blur. Samantha was super sick on Thursday, the night that I was working Step Afrika. Nick called me when I got home and asked if I could work Folk Festival, so I obliged. I worked Friday from 8:30-4:30 and then Saturday from 8:30-5:00. It was pretty neat, the folks from the Ark are really great and Dane was incredibly entertaining.
Friday night I went to Necto with Matt, Luke, and Dylan. I drank a bit more than I had intended, but it was fun. I came home with Dylan and Matt and told Matt he could sleep on Johnny’s bed. Once I hopped into bed I received a message from Dylan saying that he would have cuddled me so I told him to do so. Then Matt left because he got upset and said he felt weird sleeping in someone else’s bed. I don’t know. Weird.
Last night I hung out with Zach and Kris for a hot second before the party, we went to Culver’s. I then went to pick up David because he didn’t want to drive separately. We got to the party and it was pretty fun. Rob didn’t stay too long, which was a bummer. David ended up leaving without saying goodbye which pissed me off. I ended up drunk on the couch at one point and Brett force kissed me and said that I wanted it. It was really creepy. Especially since he did it to James, too. I ended up in Jason’s room to sleep and cuddled and made out with him. Apparently he is my duality match – ENFJ. Weird.
Today I woke up without a hangover really, which was nice. I ended up getting brunch with David and Jake, per Jake’s request. David has been weird lately, I’m not sure what’s going on there but I don’t like it.
Life is intense, awesome, sad, happy, everything. We are so fortunate to be able to experience so many emotions.
I hung out with Tyler on Sunday. We went for bubble tea, but it was closed. We ended up going to Starbucks. We sat down and chatted a bit. I expressed that I still had feelings for him, and that being single has been good for me. I’ve learned to start living in Ann Arbor instead of just existing. I’ve learned the importance of having a friend group.
Afterwards we went to the arb to walk around which was really nice. After a quick jaunt around we went back to my apartment. In the parking lot I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he didn’t have feelings for me anymore, and then Adele’s “Water under the bridge” came on. It was weird.
We went inside and watched Chewing Gum. He told me he still had feelings for me, but that he doesn’t think his personal journey is over yet. We kissed and then cuddled. It felt so normal. I asked him if I should move on, and he said yes. I started crying and said that I didn’t want to. He hugged me tight. I walked him to his car and kissed him goodbye. Wished him safe travels.
I have no ill will towards him. I understand he has to do what is best for him, I just wish that I was what was best for him. I’m not super sad, though. I think the Wellbutrin is helping stabilize my moods. I will be okay. I’m cute and a catch. I have to move on.
I went to see Shaun King last night (Monday). He was incredible to hear from. I was very fortunate to be able to attend. He talked about how progress in humanity isn’t linear, it ebbs and flows. The quality of humanity typically dips after the introduction of an innovation, and he pointed to the end of slavery and the civil rights movement and now a black president. He said that we are heading into a dip because of this innovation, and that we are living in a historic period which is hard to understand.
Phoebe is just staring at me like a weirdo. kbai
I’m loving This Is Us.
There was a really great quote: “I know it feels like you have all the time in the world, but you don’t. So stop playing it so cool. Catch the moments of your life. Catch them while you’re young and quick, because sooner than you know it, you’ll be old and slow. And there will be no more of them to catch.”
I am blessed in so many ways. 🙂
I suppose I should go to the gym today at some point, but I rather not.
Here are some facts:
- I’m happy in my current situation. I have great friends and family.
- I was happy with Blake and Tyler, but they replaced any desire I had for friends. I don’t want that again.
- I want someone that is willing to fight just as hard for me as I am for them – neither of them did this.
- When I was with Blake and Tyler, I was still flirting with other folks.
- I never had the chance to date Tyler alone, and I had not been an excellent boyfriend to Blake.
- I don’t crave sex. I enjoy it while it is happening, but it isn’t something I crave.
- I think there is a load to learn from dating new people.
- I’m 27. I want a family someday.
- I think by being single for the past few months has made me realize that I was living in Ann Arbor, but not really living. I’m finally participating in the community, and I’m actually being a friend to my friends.
- I need to learn to say no to people.
- I need to stand up for myself and the things that I deserve out of life.
I think I will need to remember this as I move forward in my life. I can’t let my happiness depend on how someone else treats me.
I feel so indifferent toward all people. I think this is a good thing. Like, I enjoy spending time with David and Rob.. but I’m not going to go out of my way to interact with them. I also liked getting to know Alex for .2 seconds, but with his mom and being a recovering addict I don’t have a whole lot of desire to push through. I mean, I would if we got along.. but nothing I’m going out of my way for.
I have really great friends and people in my life. Over the past few days I have been told by multiple people that I am a great person and that they hope that I know this. I think that I’ve really needed to hear this. I am a great person. A great catch. If you can’t recognize that then it is 100% on you. I don’t need a man to feel whole lol.
Apparently, in the Union restructure I might share an office with my supervisor. I just feel like that is an awkward situation regardless of the relationship you have with your supervisor. Like, knowing that they are there and aware of what you are doing at all times is just uncomfortable. I’ll continue to look for a new job.
This month has been going by fairly quickly which is strange for a January. I enjoy various aspects of my life, and I have some great support. James, Anna, Matt, Zach, Kris, Blake, Catie.. they are all great.
I went to my mom’s Christmas party and I had to stop myself from yelling at my uncle. He was using inflammatory words about black people, not in a harmful way but still using harmful words. Really unfortunate. That’s the norm for them. Kills me.
Sometimes you feel on top of the world, and at other times you feel like you are barely holding on. Right now it’s the latter. I’m not sure why I feel this way, but not everything in life makes sense. I feel down. Very down. I think because Tyler is coming to town but has made no effort to see me. Which is fine. We aren’t a thing. It’s just hard for me. I don’t know.
I miss being loved. Romantically loved. I wish there was an easy way to convince yourself of your worth, but right now I’m feeling pretty worthless.
I haven’t spent a whole lot of time writing this past week. It has been pretty busy at work, honestly. I’m also trying to focus more on the work at hand. I feel like this is after every winter break. hah.
I was chatting with Johnny and Brandon yesterday about being single. The only thing I really miss is cuddles, and I think I’m okay.
On Friday I had a rough night because I was kind of sad. Just thinking about being alone and what not. Then David and Rob didn’t come to the game night, so that was kind of a bummer. I just felt pretty undesirable. Last night neither of them came out really. I think I’m just giving up on it. lol
I had my meeting with UAC today and I had to talk to them about my salary which was pretty awkward. Whatever.
Well, I officially did it. I wrote in my blog for an entire year. That’s exciting, right? I did not do so great with my Twitter presence, but that’s okay. I like blogging because it allows me to look back at all the great and not-so-great things that happened. It allows me to notice trends, too.
For example, I claimed I was super in love with Tyler and Blake but then why in the hell was I so obsessed with Chase being a dickhead to me? Why did I continue to flirt with Ian even though he has a wife? I think, in part, because I wasn’t fully satisfied with my relationship with either of them. Blake was continually draining with his personal and familial life, which is in no part his fault. With that being said, it had been draining on me for nine years. Tyler was clingy and anxious. I honestly felt like a caretaker for both of them.
I’m okay leaving what happened in 2016 in the past, but I want to continue moving forward and learn from it.
My resolution for the next few months: do not take anyone on a date. If they would like to take you on one, that’s completely fine. I do not have the excess income to be doing this.
I feel like this year is going to be financially stressful, especially if I stay in this job. I’ll be okay, but once my student loans go into repayment I’m royally fucked. I think I’ll just have to avoid going out, which is tough because that’s how my friends socialize. I mean, I could still venture out and just participate without spending money I guess but that is a heck of a lot easier said than done.
Here is to a new year. May it be great for everyone.