November 7, 2016

I’m in a weird place. Mentally. I don’t know what I’m doing. In life. Am I happy? I thought about it in the shower today and how I am not working towards anything anymore. Before, I was working to get my masters degree. Then afterward I figured I would maybe start a family or something, and get a house. Now, everything is to the wind.

Blake called me on Saturday because he got a DUI and needed to be picked up. I feel so bad. This is not my fault. He is an adult. I had just become such a crutch for him that I feel like he is struggling. Struggling to find his life balance. Maybe, in part, because of me.

I’m sitting on the porch in November. The weather has been fabulous and I’m not sure what to make of it. I just want to enjoy it before winter is here. The white walkers. lol. Speaking of white walkers, if Trump wins tomorrow I’m going to call in sick on Wednesday. lol.

I think I would like to list out my priorities:

  • Be well. Mentally and physically. I have been keeping up with running. I’ve been averaging 6-9 miles per week, which is decent. I would just love to get to the point where I can run and not sweat like I just got out of the rain.
  • Save up a nice lump sum for a deposit for a house or adoption. I’ve been trying to eat out less, but last month I did not really stick to my budget at all. So, here it goes. If I can have $10k in my bank account by next year that would be incredible, but I’ll settle for $5k I think.
  • Learn my own worth. I keep sending nudes and things to people and then regret it later. I need to stop thinking with my genitals.  Also, I keep getting lost in the “dick sand” and hoping for a relationship but I’m not sure why. Do I even really want one right now? I know I’m getting older and uglier, but fuck people. They are the worst.

I struggle with priorities because in 50 years will people remember how good of a student affairs professional I am? Probably not. I would like to say that I don’t care a whole lot about being remembered, but who doesn’t? If you know someone, tell them to tell me their secrets. Regardless, if I want to get further in my career, more money, I need to show up and be present and awesome if I want to get anywhere.

I think, I need to learn to be happy with myself. With my life. With my actions. I’ve been feeling scrambled but I think because I try to appease other folks. Not that there is anything wrong with that, you should have regards for your neighbors and peers.. you just shouldn’t let them be the determinant of your happiness.

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