I’ll move on, baby just like you
When the desert floods, and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship doesn’t need the moon
It’ll break my heart, but I’ll get through
Someday when I stop loving you..
“I’m trying to be more up front with people, it’s helping my confidence. I do love you but not being here has shifted to more of a friendship love.” – Tyler Jason Corbin
If it wasn’t for guys like you there wouldn’t be songs like this..
This is my temporary home.. it’s not where I belong..
Carrie Underwood is singing my life.
I have an interview in two days. Am I excited for it? Perhaps. It would be a great opportunity to work more with academic partners, learn more about internship opportunities, build relationships across campus, and earn myself a decent increase in salary.
We all want to be desired, to be told we matter, to be told that folks care about us. Why are we so scared to tell people how much they matter to us? How have we arrived at a time where we rather strive for the attention of someone that ignores us instead of someone that loves us? I’m guilty of this, too. I just don’t know what’s wrong with our world.
I had been missing Blake but then he messaged me today and it made me miss him a little less because he was telling me how he had purchased cigarettes because he needed instant gratification, and then mentioned norco which I had no recollection of. I am just learning to focus on myself and my problems, and maybe that’s why I’m struggling.. because I haven’t been able to focus on what I want in so long.
Thanksgiving was nice. I spent it with Catie, Mom, Dad, Audra, Nana, and Catie’s boyfriend. We had a nice dinner and then I came back to Ann Arbor. I think this is just confirming that I romanticize country life, when in reality I am not sure that it is for me. With that being said, the way that my parents live is not necessarily the same way that I would.. I would have internet at the very least.
I went tracking with my dad, brother, and niece. My niece made me tear up because she said, “Where’s Uncle Blake?” And I told her that she was likely not going to see him anymore because we separated, and that he wasn’t her uncle anymore. She responded that just because folks separate doesn’t mean that he isn’t her uncle anymore. How did a six year old become so mature? We didn’t end up finding the deer, but Brooklyn and I made a pretty excellent team of finding blood.. even if the weirdo kept putting it on her hands because she liked it. hah.
I was worried about the holidays and being on my own, but I think I’m going to be okay.
Blake got out of rehab today, which is good. He did look a lot better on his snapchat.
I’m not sure how I feel about folks sometimes. Like, Matt is a great guy. At this point I’m actually cool just being friends, maybe. I am sure it would be difficult because I do care for him a lot. The other part is, I feel like I’ve had to limit my texting and messages because he has been so distant and said “we should wait until next week.” So I’m trying to respect that, but why? Like, why would any decent person not want to talk to me? I’m great.
I suppose that’s similar to what I did to that Mike guy, though. He kept trying to talk to me and eventually I just asked him to stop. I’m sure he’s a perfectly decent human being, I just felt like he was a bit too much. With that being said, I was at least honest with him so he knew.
I deserve better, I think. It’s just hard to see that right now through the lens of being ignored and looked over. It’s an injustice to me and I don’t think that I can handle that very well.
I finally think I may be able to move on from Tyler. Maybe. I asked if he was sure he didn’t want to live here with me, and he doesn’t. I mean, I know this. I’ve known this. I just have been holding out hope that he will actually change his mind, or that he would say “I do want to live with you.” Some sort of compromise. I totally just forgot the word compromise. lol.
Last night was hard. In so many ways.
I went from work to the E-Board meeting, to a lecture by Tiq, and then to hanging out with Isaac and Matt. After a while of playing games, Isaac left and then it was just me and Matt. We were kissing and laughing, but I had the intent of determining what we were. He wanted to remain open, I didn’t. I wanted to move on to the next stage. He wanted to move out of state. We ended things.
I’m just sick of not being enough. Not being Seattle. Not being sexually what someone needs. Not being 1000 different guys. Some day I’ll be enough for someone else, until then I need to be okay being enough for myself.
Samantha has been driving me bonkers.
This weekend has been incredibly lame. Matt said, “I’ll for sure see you this weekend.” Do you know how many times we have hung out? A whopping zero times.
I just miss being a priority for someone. Don’t I deserve that?
It doesn’t help that Jonny has been at his boyfriend’s all weekend. Good for him, but I’m just kind of lonely. I didn’t go home because I thought Matt might make time for me, but clearly that’s not happening. I’m tempted to just say goodbye and search for love somewhere else.
I have been struggling with the fact that Trump is going to be our president. That so many people hateful folks reside in this state, and in this country. There were more people that voted for Hillary, though. So, there are more of us than them. Which is good. I can’t with the majority of my family. Idiots.
So the doctor guy told me that I was incredible and that he can’t imagine anyone being in a relationship with me if that’s the way I treated people. Context: I deleted him from Facebook because he was too busy and why the fuck do I want people knowing my life if I am not truly your friend? No thanks. Anyways, I’m apparently a bad boyfriend.. to him.. who knows nothing about me at all. Thanks, doc. Fuck you.
Blake is going to AA, so that’s good.
I haven’t talked to Tyler.
Hanging with Matt remains to be interesting. I like him.
I’m in a weird place. Mentally. I don’t know what I’m doing. In life. Am I happy? I thought about it in the shower today and how I am not working towards anything anymore. Before, I was working to get my masters degree. Then afterward I figured I would maybe start a family or something, and get a house. Now, everything is to the wind.
Blake called me on Saturday because he got a DUI and needed to be picked up. I feel so bad. This is not my fault. He is an adult. I had just become such a crutch for him that I feel like he is struggling. Struggling to find his life balance. Maybe, in part, because of me.
I’m sitting on the porch in November. The weather has been fabulous and I’m not sure what to make of it. I just want to enjoy it before winter is here. The white walkers. lol. Speaking of white walkers, if Trump wins tomorrow I’m going to call in sick on Wednesday. lol.
I think I would like to list out my priorities:
- Be well. Mentally and physically. I have been keeping up with running. I’ve been averaging 6-9 miles per week, which is decent. I would just love to get to the point where I can run and not sweat like I just got out of the rain.
- Save up a nice lump sum for a deposit for a house or adoption. I’ve been trying to eat out less, but last month I did not really stick to my budget at all. So, here it goes. If I can have $10k in my bank account by next year that would be incredible, but I’ll settle for $5k I think.
- Learn my own worth. I keep sending nudes and things to people and then regret it later. I need to stop thinking with my genitals. Also, I keep getting lost in the “dick sand” and hoping for a relationship but I’m not sure why. Do I even really want one right now? I know I’m getting older and uglier, but fuck people. They are the worst.
I struggle with priorities because in 50 years will people remember how good of a student affairs professional I am? Probably not. I would like to say that I don’t care a whole lot about being remembered, but who doesn’t? If you know someone, tell them to tell me their secrets. Regardless, if I want to get further in my career, more money, I need to show up and be present and awesome if I want to get anywhere.
I think, I need to learn to be happy with myself. With my life. With my actions. I’ve been feeling scrambled but I think because I try to appease other folks. Not that there is anything wrong with that, you should have regards for your neighbors and peers.. you just shouldn’t let them be the determinant of your happiness.
Yesterday was interesting. I got home from work and took a nap because I was freaking exhausted. Luckily, I woke up in time to go pick up Matt for our date. He’s such an adorable weirdo. We went to Maiz for dinner which was pretty good, but I was stuffed. Afterward, I dropped him off at home. He wanted to watch the game and I did not, plus I wanted to save money.
After I dropped him off, I got a message from Michael. I went to meet him at Starbucks and we sat talking for an hour. It was nice. He is kind of quiet, and not necessarily as engaging as Matt. He is adorable, though, and seems to share some of the values from my younger days which is kind of sweet. Not sure that we will see one another again, but it was nice to have last night.
Today I need to get my arse to the gym to run my three miles, and then I need to be lazy.
I finished Harry Potter and I have not purchased fast food all week [gone out for lunch]. I’m pretty proud of myself.
I think I had a moment of recognition with Samantha yesterday around how I am maybe grappling with lack of motivation compared to my younger self and trying to set goals to get back on track, but perhaps I’m just not that person anymore. It’s okay, either way. I’m a great guy, and success looks very different for different people.