I have been chatting with Tyler for the past few days. I’m not sure what my intention was, likely to convince him to move back to Michigan. I’m not sure why. He’s happy there, and if you truly love someone you should want them to be happy. Am I happy here? Sometimes, but I know I’m happier here with a job and insurance. I’d be miserable without an income to pay for life.
Eric is coming over tomorrow, which is exciting. I think. I’m nervous. I don’t want to mislead him. I don’t want to overthink the situation, and I just want to live my life.. but he doesn’t deserve to be hurt. He’s a great guy and deserves someone that will treat him right, and knows what they want. I’m not in a position to know what I want.
I like talking to him, though.
I have been in an amazing mood for the past two days. Yesterday I went and worked out, went for a 45 minute walk, and then went rollerblading with Johnald. After Anna came over and we played Mario Kart. It was delightful.
With the pre-workout and mario kart in my life again, I’m feeling happy. I have great friends, a great family, a roof over my head, and a job that I love.
Fall in Michigan is my absolute favorite.
I think I’m going to go to an apple orchard with Eric this weekend. I’m not sure which. He also invited me to see this band, and they seem pretty good.
How often have I blogged about something that I’m looking forward to? Usually it’s me lamenting my existence like some loaf.
Today I feel a bit more relaxed than I have all week. Walking back from lunch at Cottage Inn (where I dined alone), I felt like I was floating. It was a weightless feeling as though nothing was weighing me down. I have been considering whether or not I am meant to remain in Ann Arbor. I consider the various options before me. I could go back towards home to be closer to my family. I could go far away to start anew.
I had Johnny sign a roommate agreement to avoid having random men coming into the apartment at night. I understand that his self-esteem is low but I can’t risk my safety or my possessions because of it.
I cried the other night because I miss last year. I miss my boyfriends. I miss cuddles. I’m not currently in a place of wanting that, though. I say that I do, but truly I just want to not be. I would prefer not being preoccupied with responsibilities. I just want to hide away. I just installed Grammarly, and it is making a difference in my writing.
Life has been so hectic lately, and I haven’t taken time to reflect on what is happening.
Friday I worked at the Students for Choice event. It didn’t get over until eleven, which I was pretty bummed about. It was an easy major event for my first go. After I headed to aut to meet up with Brett as I told him that I would hang out. He told me that he was very into me, and had been all this time. It made me feel uncomfortable. I think he wanted to go home, but I was just not feeling it.
Saturday I went to Lansing for Todd’s memorial. It was sad watching an entire man’s reduced to a slideshow of pictures. Not that it was, but that’s what was playing at his memorial. I know each individual that came had various memories with him. Did I? I’m not sure. I had experiences with the family as a whole, but we never had our own memories. I guess we did, we went to a bar in Old Town while Deb, Karen and Blake got their semicolon tattoos. It would have been nice to have a beer with him, but he couldn’t drink.
The saddest part was not the morose crowd, or the collage of videos. The saddest part was when I was leaving and Mary said to me, “I hope we still see you from time to time.” I couldn’t deal with that. My eyes filled with tears and I headed out. This was potentially the last time I will ever see Blake’s extended family.
After the memorial I went home and had a Short’s Soft Parade to ease the pain, which I know isn’t healthy. I went to Jeremy’s after that with my mom and dad because there was a huge issue with Tiffany. Tiffany took the kids and then posted on Facebook her divorce papers with a bunch of smack talk. Jeremy was a wreck. Even though I don’t care for him, he’s still my brother. Apparently he got to talk to them today, so that’s good.
I went to Kalamazoo for the evening to spend some time with Eric. It was fun. We went to Metro, a gay club. They were having a foam party which I’ve never experienced before. I met a couple and they were there to familiarize themselves with the community because their child had just revealed that they are transgender. It was very cute. In the morning Eric and I went to a pancake place and he kind of irritated me.
Yesterday I had to deal with a huge issue because the BSU was irritated that one of the orgs partnered with a fraternity that threw a ratchet party. I totally understand, especially because they planned it on black homecoming. Meetings until 7 yesterday, and then another meeting today. Stressed the fuck out.
How am I? I’m not entirely sure. I cry randomly sometimes. I laugh. I flirt. I’m happy most days, but sometimes I’m not.
This past weekend was quite stressful.
Festifall was Friday. This was the first time that we did it in the evening, and overall I think it went rather well. There were a few hiccups, especially with UAC. We were supposed to get five tables but were only scheduled to get two. Oversight on Samantha and Karla’s behalf. I won’t take responsibility because I wasn’t responsible for registering the organization this year.
After Festifall, I rushed home to hang out with Eric and Zach. Eric was a complete sweetheart and definitely prince charming. I’m just so nervous about rushing into things, especially since Blake and I broke up at the beginning of August. We went to Necto with Zach, and met up with Matt, Kevin, and Jason. Kevin got plastered, which was pretty annoying. It was like Blake all over again. Then some dumbasses were talking about how they were unsure if it was a girl or a guy, which probably exacerbated the situation. Eric walked up to them and talked to them. I was like..swoon.
Saturday I had to work the Ann Arbor Symphony Orchestra. It was pretty pointless, but neat to watch my boss in action. Just a bummer to work until midnight on Saturday.
Sunday I had a retreat with my students, which was just too many days in a row of work. But, that’s okay. This was the part of my job that I actually like.
Monday I didn’t do a whole lot as I flexed out my time. I hung out with Blake, and he was really upset. I can’t imagine losing my dad. I just don’t know how I’d function. It was so quick.
Todd passed away yesterday. It was incredibly hard watching him fade into the abyss of death. The death rattle. The fading of his cognizance. Praying with his family aloud, and him waking up to talk to Karen and Blake. Rest in peace, Todd.
Nine months. We are nine out of twelve months into 2016. This year is quickly approaching its end. If I treated my year like a child, like something with its own experience I would feel so bad for it. It has had such trying things thrown its way. They came, I conquered. It isn’t over yet, let’s not pretend that it is. I still have three months to make this an incredible year. Get excited.
It has been incredible, if I’m being honest. I’ve traveled, I’ve stood up for myself, I’ve come to terms with things that I never thought I would.
I have also relearned hard lessons. Don’t lend money to family, ever.
I’m coming to terms with leaving things in the past, they are there for a reason. I’m trying to trust more in fate, and that things are the way they are to be. People are dicks because they aren’t meant to be in my life. Not because I don’t deserve to be treated nicely. I know this doesn’t really address any personal issues I have, but I think it’s a solid outlook on life.
Escapade is tomorrow. Samantha has been so controlling, but I am sure that it will be a great event. I’m just hoping eventually she loosens the reigns a bit. I understand she doesn’t want to let go of things, but she needs to. So frustrating.