The end of summer came so quickly. To be honest, I’m glad to see it go. My life has been somewhat of a shit show since May, and I’m hoping that the fall will be better.. or at least 2017 which is only a few months away. With that being said, I think our disposition on life influences what happens. If you walk around thinking crap things are going to happen, then you will clearly see all of the crappy things. Focus on the positive, no matter how difficult that may seem.
I’m proud of myself for following through on my resolutions. I’ve blogged at least once a week through 2016, and I’m still engaged on Twitter.
Life is funny. I was all consumed with the what ifs of this one attractive guy I met, but on the way to work today the radio was talking about how people need to focus on being themselves first and getting over past loves before moving on. I don’t know that I’ve necessarily done that yet. I think I discount how I feel about Blake because I’ve been through the gamut, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love him. I did, so so much. But if this is the case, why was I more upset about Tyler leaving?
Summer is coming to a close, and I think that’s a good thing. This whole year has been rather rough, but I’m looking forward to what fall and winter have to offer.
This whole weekend was kind of a blur, in a good and bad way.
Friday I went out with a few friends to Necto. I kissed Eddie a few times, which I think was probably a poor choice.
Saturday I was supposed to go to orientation for Last Day Dog Rescue, but I showed up ten minutes late and then I went into the wrong room. I ended up just leaving because anxiety and what not. I ended up going home to visit, but just my dad was home. It’s okay, it was nice to spend time with him. In the evening I went to aut with William which was nice.
Sunday I just hung out at home, did some laundry. I ended up hanging out with Johnny, Kevin, and Nick. It was fun. Nick is adorable, but I’m too clingy so I’m trying to back off.
Welcome events are next week. I’m excited for them to be over, and for the students to be here.
Life has been weird the past week. Ups, downs, shuffles to the side. Kissing boys. Boys being nutso or rude. Over it.
Crying in front of my colleagues was weird, and put me in a weird place on Wednesday.
This weekend was fun and relaxing.
Friday I drank a bit too much at Necto, to the point of spilling Cree’s drink. Whoops.
Saturday I took my car to Belle Tire to have them fix whatever the hell was wrong with my tire from the oil change at Victory Lane. Apparently, it was corroded and leaking air but they fixed it. Yay, them!
While they were fixing my car I had some Chinese food for lunch, then I went to see Bad Moms. The movie was really funny, but I teared up a few times. I think, in part, because her husband cheats on her and she has been trying and trying to be the best mom she could but it is never enough. And it just made me think of Blake and I, and our relationship ending.
That evening Jerry and Johnny came over. Blake stayed the night, too. JP and I went to aut, which was actually pretty awesome. We then came home and cuddled and kissed a whole lot, which Blake didn’t like at all. Oh, well. He cheated on me, and was going on dates anyhow.
Sunday was chill. I went to the arb with JP, and then worked out, and then set up Comcast. It was a good day.
So I met with my counselor on Monday, and I have been trying to write more in terms of right when I wake up in the morning. For the past two days I did a great job, but this morning I could not convince myself to get up.
I’m still trying to learn what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I thought single life would mean more free time, but I’m learning that isn’t the case. I still do the same things, I just do them alone now. Gym, video games, movies.. alone. It isn’t necessarily bad, isn’t necessarily great.
I’m getting a tattoo on Tuesday. Hummingbird. Should be good, I hope. Patrick does nice work.
My graduate intern is AMAZING. We are very similar, which may be a problem down the road but hopefully not. If I can get along with Samantha, I can get along with anyone. I’ve been trying to reflect lately on how happy I am. I’m fairly happy in the work that I’m doing, I just wish I was paid more. But, can you put a price on doing something you enjoy? I don’t know.
I’m just getting excited that students are coming back to campus. BTP might bring Big Sean, so that’s REAL exciting because I’d love to meet him 🙂
Today would have marked nine years together with Blake. It showed up on my timehop and it was kind of hard. Having him not around is kind of hard, but at the same time.. it isn’t. Having company while I watch Netflix, having someone to split rent with.. sure, I’m going to miss it.
I chatted with a counselor today. It was weird. Relaying all the shit that has happened to me made it seem like I had a really rough year, and I did, but I’m still pretty optimistic.
He did help me realize that I was in a codependent relationship with Blake. I had to google it, to be honest.
“Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn’t have self-sufficiency or autonomy”
“These kids are often taught to subvert their own needs to please a difficult parent, and it sets them up for a long-standing pattern of trying to get love and care from a difficult person”
Uh, can I get a hallelujah?
He encouraged me to volunteer. Maybe.
Yesterday was so rough. I stayed home from work because mentally I was not in a good place. I slept until 2:00 in the afternoon.
I started feeling better, but then Sandmann kind of annoyed me. Oh, well. People are annoying sometimes.
Today, I’m noticing that I’m just incredibly irritable. Like, I want to smack something or someone.
I’ve applied for two different jobs today. Major Events is killing my soul, as is having Samantha as my supervisor.
I’m sitting at my work desk fighting back tears. This isn’t the first time, it won’t be the last.
Blake is going to be moving out soon. I don’t know how to feel. It’s an end of an era, truly. I’m just struggling, in general. My body hates me.
I’ve been having weird dreams lately. Saturday night I dreamt that I stole quarters from a housekeeper at a hotel. Last night I dreamt that my dog Belle was crawling into a shallow grave, and I had to keep telling her to get out.
Do you ever think that sometimes you are meant to be alone? Like, alone alone. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t get life at all.
Focus on things that make you happy.
Things that make me happy:
- Feeling useful
- Feeling loved
- Feeling admired
That’s pretty much it. You would think being happy in life would come fairly easily to a guy like me, but it is a daily struggle. I just can’t figure out how to be 100% happy.
I feel like I haven’t written in a while. It’s probably because I’ve been gone.
NYC was great. Hanging out with Inga was phenomenal. It was neat to go to the World Trade Center, to see Wicked, to eat and drink with friends. Life is good.
American Airlines sucks. Plain and simple. They rescheduled my flight three times on Friday. They lied to me about it. They kept me in a plane for 3 hours prior to take-off on Monday and wouldn’t give me a voucher. Never again.
Blake and I decided to call it quits yesterday. We just don’t have a romantic relationship.