June 27, 2016

Being sick all weekend was no bueno. Well, let’s be honest.. sick since my birthday. I’m still a little congested and have a slight cough, but I feel overall better. Unfortunately, I missed dinner with Jackie and the Amp Live concert that I spent $50 on. Well, technically $25.

Tyler said he might be interested in figuring out how to make it work for the next year. I’m nervous and excited, but it’s also making me think about whether or not I truly want this. Or what I truly want.

My sister and mom gave conflicting advice. Cate said I should go for it if Tyler truly makes me happy. Mom said I should give him a year to get settled in his career because he’s still growing and developing.

I had never truly thought of a life without Blake. I don’t know if I can. When you’ve been with someone for nine years they become an integral part of who you are.

Buzzfeed: “It’s normal to be a little curious what it’d be like to be with someone else. But if you find yourself wondering if there is someone who is more reliable, sensitive, communicative, or whatever else than your partner, those fantasies might be highlighting the holes in your relationship.”

So how do I hurt someone that I’ve cared for for almost a decade? 😦

June 23, 2016

Yesterday was my birthday and it was AWESOME.

Tuesday night I had my last class/presentation/paper of grad school. While I still have to finish my portfolio, I am officially done! Exciting!

I came home and Blake had completely decked out the apartment in Happy Birthday stuff. It honestly made me cry. Partially because Tyler had delivered that message and I was finally moving on, partially because I was thinking about how Blake didn’t make romantic gestures very often, and a bit because it was so sweet.

He got me Mario Party because he wants to be able to play video games with me ❤ And he got me a shirt and some more film for my camera.

The day of my birthday I went to the gym and worked out at like 10 a.m. which was perfect. Then I went and got my haircut, a Little Mermaid tank. I went home and played Smash for a few hours while I was waiting for Blake. When he got home we hung out a bit more and then we went to dinner with my mom. She got me moscow mule mugs (win) and an Avenger’s watch. Plus dinner. It was so nice.

After dinner we went to Art Van and impulsively purchased a couch and love seat. They are pretty nice. The woman gave me a free decanter and wine set because it was my birthday. Then Blake’s parents sent us $1000 to pay for them. I can’t believe their generosity. So kind.

Zach got me a card and some of my favorite candies ❤ So sweet. Him and Kris are adorable.

Aut bar was so nice! I actually had friends come out! Karla, Allie, Zach, Kris, Brett, Robert, Cree, Sandmann, and (kind of friend) Jason.

June 21, 2016

Fine, here’s this… I am excited to live by myself for a while and complete some personal goals before settling down. As far as when the time comes to settle down I’m not sure that poly is the thing I will be looking for since I’m more of a traditional asshole. I love you and cannot thank you enough for everything you taught me and helped me to accomplish over the time we spent together. The connection I had with you was the strongest connection I’ve ever felt and one I’m sure I’ll never replace. Ultimately this move is something best done alone and something I’ve thought about for years. I’m sorry our lives didn’t align more directly. I wish you and Blake the best in all of you future endeavors wether they be together or seperated.

^^ A message from Tyler to me today. Closure, I finally have some.

He doesn’t want me, or want me to come with him to Seattle. I can move on without worrying that I may be jeopardizing something.

June 20, 2016

In two days I turn 27. Hopefully 27 is filled with less tears, less pain, less heartache.

I think I’m getting better. It still hurts that Tyler is gone, and I’m not sure that hurt will ever go 100% away but life goes on. I go on.

I have one of my last classes tonight. 26 is truly going to end a chapter of my life. I’ll have my Masters. Tyler is moving later this week. Life is completely different.

June 17, 2016

Happy birthday, Nana! My favorite memory of my Nana.. they are all becoming kind of fuzzy. She brought a bologna spread once to the zoo with me, and it was pretty good. I don’t know if anyone still makes that, but they should. Also sitting on that porch swing facing the river. Gardening with her. Making a peanut butter and jelly for me and Jessica. Her biscuits and gravy. Nana, you’re great.

I’m currently working on my final paper for graduate school. I mean, I still have to do some short paragraphs for my portfolio but I’m really going to focus on being awesome.

I told Blake last night that I resented him a little bit because I do. Maybe Tyler would have stayed, would be with us, if he didn’t cheat. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I truly love Blake, and that makes me sad because when I think about friends that have told me that before I automatically jump to “No, if you are questioning it then you don’t.” Maybe that answer is complete bullshit.

He hasn’t talked to me, though. Not once today.

I kind of want to go see Finding Dory.

June 15, 2016

You are now my home sweet home.

I think I’m getting to the point where I will handle about 0% of anyone’s bologna. Like, just don’t cross me. I have no desire for bullshit, and won’t tolerate it. Staying away from drama like..yes plz.

I had my last one on one with Ashley. Bittersweet, kind of. I’ll miss aspects of her supervision, I’m sure.

Life is weird, and sad, and kind of pointless.

Tyler is leaving next Friday. Right after my birthday. Oh well.

June 13, 2016

Orlando is hitting me a bit harder today.
 
I grew up with some hateful peers, but most welcomed my true identity. I felt comfortable enough to take my boyfriend to my senior prom only to be called faggot and queer when we slow danced.
 
My family is outstanding and 100% supports me, and I sometimes take that for granted. Yet, I’m still scared at the thought of one day inviting my entire family to a same-sex wedding because I’m not sure folks would come.
 
I have grown to strongly dislike public displays of affection, but I think that is strongly linked to the fact that I’m scared to do it myself.
 
While I was moved by the number of posts I saw yesterday around Orlando, I also recognize that some folks (not on my friend’s list) were applauding the shooter for dealing some religious justice for sinning.
 
I typically try to focus on the positive when I’m in a crappy situation, but it is incredibly important to remember both sides.
 
There is so much work to do for the LGBTQ+ community. We were just allowed to legally wed last year, but some are being denied access to use the restroom while others are being attacked in a safe place. There is so much work to do, and it highlights the need for true allies. 
Friday was fun, but it made me realize some things. Brett came home with us and I had every intention of just cuddling and kissing but it escalated quickly. Not to the point of full intercourse, but everything short of.. Which was fun and fine, but it made me realize the significance of love. I didn’t love Brett, I loved Tyler. He’s gone, though. I need to move on.
Saturday was a lazy day and I just sat on my arse watching Awkward all day. I did manage to go to the gym, but that’s about it.
Sunday was everything I needed. I went to the arb by myself to do some reflection and take in nature. It truly helped. I picked up a rock and that rock was so significant of everything in my life. It was dull looking at first, but had shimmery parts. Blake was my rock. As I was carrying the rock, I saw flowers and thought how beautiful they were. They were Tyler. Eventually flowers fade while the rock will endure. Love endures. I told you, right?
Blake and I walked around Sunday afternoon and just hung out. I need to get better at cuddling and what not.

June 10, 2016

Tyler snapped me a few days ago saying that he was depressed as fuck. Initially, I was elated. I was certain that this meant he was coming back to me and Blake, and that he finally realized that he had made a huge mistake. I was singing, I was happy, I was in a great mood.

Then after chatting with him and Angela I realized that he wasn’t coming back. That being in our relationship isn’t what he truly wanted for himself. Heartbreaking, right? But, helpful. I cried a lot, I blocked him on all social media, I deleted his friends and family. I’m moving on. Sad, but necessary.

 

June 6, 2016

I have never had a breakup that has hurt so much. Typically when things end it is because I want them to, and I know that I will be better off. Also, my last break-up was when I was 17. Every time I hear a stupid sad song it makes me tear up. I cried at Misery by Gwen Stefani yesterday. Like, what? No.

Flirting is fun, but I’m already over it. I just want Tyler back. I want to be cuddling him, to be laughing at his weird, to be working out with him.

June 3, 2016

I had such a strange dream last night. I woke up at 2am because I had a dream I was talking to Tyler, and it just made me miss him so much. Then I went back to bed and the next dream I had was me crossing a river.. I had to go specific route to avoid swimming. The boots I was wearing didn’t have much traction and so when I jumped from rock to rock I sometimes slipped. My dad was there. I jumped on a large rock and started sliding down and it made me start bawling about how much I missed him to my dad. 😦