Blake and I are back together. We are going to try to make it work. I just really hope he puts some effort in.
We went out for drinks last night and he was acting weird towards the end of the night and it made me sad. I just can’t deal with all of that. I’m kind of thinking I should look for another apartment just in case. Whatever, though.
Blake and I chatted last night.
I have been going back and forth as to whether or not I should move on. Here is my list:
Pros to getting back together:
- Have built a life together
- Know that we can stand one another living together over a long period of time
- We like one another’s families
- Relationships take work, you can’t just give up
- Rent together is cheaper
- More open to being open sexually – other folks would be less inclined
Cons to getting back together:
- He cheated during his manic stage, he could just do this again
- I have to trust that he is actually going to work towards being a better boyfriend and trying to support me more
- I’m not as attracted to him as I used to be (but all looks fade eventually)
- I will always have to deal with his bipolar disorder, and having to support him through the ups and downs
- How much does he truly care about me if he made out with Luke one day after? Although, I can understand an impulse.
It is pretty split, right? That’s what makes the decision so hard. I keep coming back to that phrase though. Relationships take work, but do they take this much?
I continue to go back and forth on whether or not I should truly call it quits with Blake. I just read one of my old posts about how love endures even through trials and tribulations. I also think of the Facebook picture I see on occasion talking about how an old couple that had been together for so long was asked how they managed to do it as it seems like every marriage is ending in divorce, and they say “We came from a generation when something was broken you fixed it, you didn’t throw it away.”
I suppose that’s fair. I am thinking of things in terms of a car now. Let’s say you spend years and years pouring gas and resources into this car, you love it, you have. However it starts overheating and shakes on occasion. You could take it to the mechanic and get it fixed, or you could go get a new car with fantastic features. Sure, down the road it might start overheating or could just stop working completely.. but that’s a possibility with your current car, too.
I think this is so hard because we are living together, and because I’ve grown accustomed to a certain way of living.. and without him it will be very difficult to maintain that. I’m not that attracted to him anymore. But what is attraction when you can be open? I don’t know what to do.
He kissed Luke on Friday, one day after we broke up. That’s not really taking into consideration my feelings and kind of illustrates our relationship.
I broke up with Blake yesterday. I think it is in the best interest of both of us. But, that’s okay. Life. It sucks sometimes. Tyler is moving on, adding all the gay guys on Facebook. Blake is moving on, he’s on grindr. I’m just here.. not sure where I am. Not sure who I am, what I do next.
“Sometimes you have to burn some bridges just to create some distance.”
Yesterday was rough, and today continues to be hard. Kelly Clarkson’s “Behind these hazel eyes” has never been so applicable, and I feel like a teenager because of it. I had a nice chat with Ky about boyfriends and breakups and moving on. It was nice.
Last night after Jerry left, Blake told me that he had cheated on me and Tyler a few months before. I’m still processing it. I know that mania makes you hypersexual, but at what point do you hold the individual you love accountable? He’s on his medications now, but what if there is another slip down the road? Do I just accept that he might cheat on me throughout my life. Is that the end of the world? I don’t know. Do I deserve better? Maybe, but maybe not.
This weekend has been one of the toughest I’ve had in quite some time.
Friday, I said goodbye to Tyler. I thought he would change his mind, but he didn’t. I’m lucky to have been able to surround myself with Catie and Audra. They are a great support system, and while Fischer was trying at times he was a good distraction, too.
Saturday night I flirted with quite a few people. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t want anyone else.. I want Tyler. I want his cuddles, his jokes, his laughter, his weird. I just have to keep telling myself that this is what he wants, what he needs.
Tyler is moving out today. I’m sad.
You, you are my Seattle
You are my mountains, my cannabis, my ocean, my lake.
Now, I suppose, you are my rain.
Well, I don’t think that Blake and I are going to Seattle. Tyler is.
May the 9th be with you.. and also with you.
Seattle was fantastic. Gorgeous landscape, gorgeous weather, gorgeous company. Just incredible.
Tuesday I worked until 2:00 and then my sister drove us to the airport. The flight went by fairly quickly, but after an incredible stressful time of getting through security. Blake’s anxiety was high and his hand was shaking, so naturally that stressed me out. I was happy to get to our hotel, after walking a ways from the Link.
Wednesday I was stressed out because of my interview. I didn’t want to go at all. We went to the campus and I wasn’t in love with it at all so I cancelled. I know, not very professional but sometimes you just have to go with your gut. Come to find out, I’m an idiot. The interview wasn’t until the following week. Oh well, bullet dodged.
After the interview we headed to Mt. Rainier to explore. It was really nice, even though we were driving in a fiat (very close quarters).
Thursday we hung out with Kylan. I miss him. He showed us around Seattle, and we got drinks. We tried grasshoppers which was fun but not worth doing again, and then we drank on a rooftop at Frolick which was pretty awesome. Afterwards we went to Tyler’s cousin’s party. I was pretty tired afterwards, but we went out on capital hill.
Friday we slept pretty much all day and then hung out with Pine. We tried these mint things and it was hilarious. We went to a few places that night, but I wasn’t totally in love with the night life.
Saturday was also very chill. We hung out with Joe and that’s about it.
It was so nice seeing Pine and Kylan. I miss them.
It’s gonna be May. Jk, it already is.
I’m heading to the airport in 30 minutes for Seattle. I’m nervous af for my interview at Highline, but I’m excited for the opportunity. I’m also stoked because UW Rec Sports followed me on Twitter. I applied for a job with them, and that would be pretty awesome. I’m a catch, so hopefully they’ll hire me. It’s okay if they don’t because I have an excellent job here.
I keep going back and forth as to whether or not I like the idea of Seattle, but I guess soon enough I’ll know. =]
If I stay here it looks like I’ll be heading back to UAC unless Kristie leaves. I’m okay with it. Not thrilled, but okay with it.