My friend put it to me like this:
If person A and Person B sign a contract together and then later on Person A wants to change the contract, while Person B can agree to the changes, they are not morally obligated to do so and they have every right to deny the changes A wants to make.
So very true. When we first got together, we all agreed that we were only interested in being with one another and not with other people. At that point my action was out of jealousy because Tyler had just joined our relationship, but after 1.5 years I am reconsidering. I enjoy the rush and thrill of falling for someone all over again, physical acts are not as important but I enjoy the chase and being chased. Tyler didn’t sign up for this.
With that being said, I didn’t sign up for a relationship where we weren’t all being together either. His anxiety prevents him from enjoying all three of us together, which thus causes relationship stress.
Do I love him? You bet. I wouldn’t be considering moving across the country if I didn’t. I’m quite content with him and Blake. Do I love our dynamics? Eh, that’s where it gets complicated. I’m incredibly frustrated with our sex life and I think that is in main part because of his anxiety. Not being able to do things as a group has made our relationship is interesting. We have great times one on one, I’m definitely not complaining there. I just miss group sex, especially when drunk.
So, do I move across the country for a relationship dynamic I’m not in love with and bid adieu to my glory days? Or do I stay in my comfort zone where everything is peachy and go back to chasing random guys around. That’s what I’m grappling with.
Tyler graduated yesterday. It was amazing watching him walk across the stage, but I was a bit sad, too. For maybe a few reasons. The first being that the rest of my cohort was walking across the stage, and I still have to finish up a few courses. The second being that now that he is graduated Seattle is even closer.
This weekend was just what I needed mentally. I didn’t do a whole lot, and just lounged around.
Blake was stressing all weekend because of his credit card debt. Which isn’t that surprising, I mean.. eventually it was going to catch up to him.
I don’t have a whole lot on my schedule this week. I’m getting Ariel finished with Patrick on Friday, and I have to work commencement in the morning on Saturday.
I talked with my Nana last night and she put so much doubt in my head about moving to Seattle. She said I shouldn’t move away from family, and that with everything happening with Blake and his family that we really shouldn’t.
It just threw all my worries to the forefront of my mind. What if I don’t like it? What if Tyler and I break up? What if I want to move back but can’t get a comparable job? What if I want to be more open (more so than I already do) and that’s the final straw? Basically, all the negative worries.
Perhaps I should focus on the positive: What if I love it? What if Tyler opens up? What if I get an amazing job? What if the experiences I gain allow me to come back and get a better job?
I lost a friend yesterday. I’m still not sure how to feel, or what I’m feeling. Alexis was an incredible person, and I was so very blessed to have had the opportunity to work with her. She was hilarious, kind, and a no-nonsense kind of person. I thoroughly enjoyed her company, and I’m so preoccupied by what is going to happen to her family as she was their main support system.
I celebrated my sister’s birthday on Saturday. Tyler, Blake, and I went to Firekeepers. I won $30.00 which was pretty awesome. Then I invited her and Jon to come back to our place to hang out. They seem cute together, but he’s kind of boring and very much a traditional guy. Whatever, though. As long as he makes her happy.
Yesterday I went to the Arb with Blake and Ty. It was great, and nice to soak up some sun.
Happy birthday to my sister! She’s 24, which means in a few months I will be 27. Can you believe it? Me either. I’m so close to 30 and am I content with where I am? I suppose. Why not? I’ve done pretty awesome things.
This week has been so hectic. I’m glad it is finally over. I have one more event tomorrow and then just two next week. I am STOKED. So excite! Much excite!
Blake’s doing okay even though his Grandpa Cook passed away. It’s pretty tough, but he’s doing alright. He was a pallbearer, which I thought was pretty amazing. He’s an amazing guy.
Tyler is almost done with school all together. Pretty awesome, right?
I’ve applied for five jobs in Seattle at the University of Washington, and 4/5 have had the resume passed on. Exciting, right?
So we have all told our parents that we are planning on moving to Seattle. I’ve told my boss, and my director. I’ve applied to around 7-8 jobs so far, and I’m hopeful. It kind of sucks job searching, but at least I’m fortunate to have a steady income as I do it.. that’s a luxury not afforded to many.
I drove so much yesterday. We were celebrating Brooklyn’s sixth birthday! SIXTH! I can’t believe it. Apparently they had to call CPS on Liz again because of drug use. Just such an unfortunate situation, and Brooklyn probably isn’t even aware of what is happening but just wants to be with her parents. Not fair, I tell ya.
The doctor told my dad he had to stop smoking, so let’s see how that goes.
We had an intense conversation last night. I basically made him decide whether or not he wanted us to come with him. He does, so I’ll be looking for jobs in Seattle. I’m struggling to find relevant things so far but that’s okay.
I’m nervous, a little excited, but mainly nervous. My main concern is moving away from my family, my sister, my parents.. but I don’t even see them that often now. Let’s be real.
APRIL! Can you believe it? I can’t. This semester has flown by, and my students are going to be leaving soon. I have quite a few events between now and then, though. In total we have nine events. It will fly by.
This weekend I went to Toronto with Tyler and Blake. It was amazing! The city is so clean, and the people were nice, and I didn’t once feel unsafe. It was awesome. We met up with Connor for a hot second but then he buzzed off to flirt and dance with some boy he likes.
We did brunch, checked out breweries, and the gay scene. It was really nice.
On the way back we stopped at Niagra Falls because why not? It was beautiful, freezing, and relaxing. The three of us took some pretty great pictures.
Now I’m back at work and ready to get some stuff done! Woot!